Posts in Mental Wellness
How to Be a Mindful Mama and a Badass Go-Getter
 

By Lauren Gallagher Ph.D. &
Daya Alexander Grant Ph.D., M.S.

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Lauren Gallagher, Ph.D., is a school psychologist, author, public speaker, and mama to two teenagers. She recently co-authored her first children's book, The Hard Hat for Kids, with Jon Gordon - a story about being a great teammate. She has a private practice where she works with young people to help them discover their unique passion and purpose so they can lead their very best life.

Find Lauren on her personal Instagram, syncitupsports Instagram, Facebook and Twitter.

Daya Alexander Grant, Ph.D., M.S., is a mental strength coach, yoga teacher, and mama to a two year old. In her private practice, she empowers athletes to connect to their greatness, crush their goals, and know fulfillment in the pursuit.

Find Daya on Instagram, Facebook and Twitter.


What happens when two mamas with PhDs and a love for sport psychology meet over green juice in NYC?  A conversation about ambitions and struggles, of course. But also a recognition that we can balance the gigantic mom role with the other parts of ourselves that make us whole. One of us is just beginning her mothering journey and the other is 19 years in.  As we chatted about life, kids, and our personal passions, we discovered that although this journey is a challenge, and regardless of where we are on the path, this experience is a shared one. So many of us question our ability to maintain presence in our roles as mamas while still preserving our unique identity and pursuing our career dreams. Here are three tips on embracing the grind and absorbing the power that results from being both a mindful mama and a badass go getter!

Push. Surrender. Repeat. 

While this certainly applies to labor, this message is imperative for continuing to make progress in your career, without losing your mind. Research has shown that alternating between deep work (pushing) and cognitive rest from that activity (surrendering) may help the brain develop creative solutions to problems [reference].

Our mind is still working and thinking about what we immersed ourselves in even if we are not presently focused on it. This is good news for us go get ‘em moms who don’t get those huge chunks of time anymore. For optimal productivity, alternate between 60-90 minutes of full immersion in a task before taking a cognitive break. This time frame lends itself nicely to laser focus during nap time or school hours followed by a “break” to be completely present when the children are around. That full immersion in activities with our children is critical to being a mindful mama. 

Research has shown that alternating between deep work (pushing) and cognitive rest from that activity (surrendering) may help the brain develop creative solutions to problems.

The push and surrender pattern can also be applied at the macro level. You may have a month where you have the bandwidth and creative flow to move projects forward. Excellent! Enjoy that! But then, you may hit a plateau. That’s OK. Instead of swimming against the current, let it be easy and surrender to what is, trusting that another breakthrough is in the pipeline. All in all, recognize that inching forward is still progress.

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Sweat once a day

You know the research. Exercise is good for you. Period. It’s good for your body and your brain. Find the time to get the blood pumping - whether you walk, run, spin, hike, go to the gym, or take a class.  Move regularly and you will notice your energy levels elevate and your cognition sharpen.

Move regularly and you will notice your energy levels elevate and your cognition sharpen.

Some days will be tough. We get it. Move anyway. Other days it’ll be downright impossible to get a full workout in. On those days, commit 10 minute to something - a brisk walk outside or a mini-circuit of squats, plank, and burpees (yep) at home. That’s it. And there’s always the jogging stroller! Your endorphins will ensure that you never regret a workout.

Take time to think

It took me a year to figure out that one of the reasons I was so drained was because I’m a textbook introvert. I need silence to survive. And here I was - a stay at home mom with a permanent buddy who wasn’t exactly silent. I found myself telling people “I just need time to think!”

It took me a year to figure out that one of the reasons I was so drained was because I’m a textbook introvert.

Two years in, I realized that for me, the sweetest moments of silence can be found in the early morning hours. I joined the 5am club and committed those first two hours of the day to any combination of meditation, yoga, and exercise. But if evenings are your jam, make that your quiet time.

You can also take mini vacations throughout the day. Light a candle and pick up the nearest book. Ten minutes of meditation, quiet reflection, listening to music or reading something that interests you while you drinking your coffee or tea can go a long way in providing the self-care you need to recharge your batteries.

 
Navigating Through Fog: Managing Maternal Self-Doubt
 

By Alexis Gantsoudes

Photo courtesy of @mamanielaco

Photo courtesy of @mamanielaco

Most of the beautiful, choir-resounding moments of parenting seem to fall into two categories.

In the first, we sense the need of a child that we can meet comfortably, we step up to the plate, fulfill that need with ease, and watch the resulting relief or satisfaction in our child. YES! The warmth that spreads across our chests adds an extra layer of assurance that we have done the right thing.

In the second category, we are mere witnesses as one (or more) of our children embodies our values, demonstrating right before our eyes that they are really and truly absorbing one of the tenets that we are working so hard to instill: a boy hugs his little sister, creating a moment of mutual delight between two of your favorite people! A little girl rushes ahead to hold the door for a stranger! A little gentleman accepts responsibility for a mistake and offers a sincere apology! A son comforts his sister in a way only he can when his sibling has had a rough day!

In the moments that delightfully and simply fall into either of the above categories, parenting is aligned with what many of us likely imagined before we became parents. If we work hard, feel pretty good about our values, and we care so very much about our kids and their well-being, we should get to feel pretty good about ourselves on the daily, no?

If we work hard, feel pretty good about our values, and we care so very much about our kids and their well-being, we should get to feel pretty good about ourselves on the daily, no?

In what might seem like a cruel joke for the sleep-deprived attendants to an endless vacuum of needs, parenting really appears to be anything but linear. If only it came with an annual report card that acknowledged the seventy-two miniature acts of heroism performed each day and then highlighted in the “comments” section that all of these daily hard-won miracles are in fact keeping you on track to nurture a healthy, well-adjusted, self-supporting, compassionate and hard-working person.  

In reality, parenthood doesn’t come with a black and white rubric of reassurance but rather often presents itself as a series of shape-shifting riddles. We know where we want our children to end up, but the question is: are our daily decisions guiding us towards--or derailing us from--our desired destination, and how in the world can we tell in the moment?

For example, a parent might wonder when her first grader comes home deflated by her peers’ rough behavior--was her decision to prioritize kindness and manners in her household during the preschool years a misguided effort? When we sense between the lines that a teacher is missing part of the picture in managing our child’s emotional or academic needs, is it an opportunity for building resilience or time to be an advocate? Do we embrace a child to make her feel safe through whatever today’s bump may be or are we supposed to gently nudge her forward, indicating that we have faith in her ability to manage it herself? If you dare go hunting for an answer to these riddles on the internet or in a book, you will find such an array of conflicting answers that your confusion will likely blossom into bewilderment.

We know where we want our children to end up, but the question is: are our daily decisions guiding us towards—or derailing us from—our desired destination, and how in the world can we tell in the moment?

When so many of our strengths as adults are accumulated triumphs over adversities and struggles, how do we create strength and resilience in our children without betraying our instinct to protect them or infringing on their developing autonomy? We all want to support, shape, and guide our children so they will one day make the “right” decisions when we are not standing next to them, but whether that means stepping in or stepping back from today’s particular problem can sometimes seem a hazy query at best. The self-doubt that can creep in at these moments further undermines our ability to make a choice with confidence.

When so many of our strengths as adults are accumulated triumphs over adversities and struggles, how do we create strength and resilience in our children without betraying our instinct to protect them or infringing on their developing autonomy?

In my mind, each of these pending decisions has a range of possible answers that falls on a spectrum. I think we are all willing to engage with any of the options on that spectrum--mothers are not short on will or determination when it comes to their children--but that determination is not helping us choose which approach is most helpful for whatever is today’s particular parenting conundrum. After years of encounters with these moments, I am no closer to a salient answer or a full-proof solution, but I have noticed one peculiarity in the vacillation between confusion and clarity: my internal compass can be easier to read in periods of relatively significant stress.

When I was moving my kids across the country for the second time in thirteen months, I felt much more secure in my daily parenting decisions and much more in-tune with my children’s true needs. Of course this security was against a backdrop of raw exhaustion, poor self-care and an otherwise unsettled mind, but the clarity was tangible--and frankly, a much-needed slice of relief in a long string of challenging events. My best attempt at understanding this fog-clearing period (and others like it) is that all the layers of noise that we live under on a regular basis are cleared by a bigger, priority-shifting event.

When I was visibly in the middle of a scenario that required most of my resources, I felt I had “permission” to put my blinders on, put my head down, and put parenting and my children’s adjustment first. While in this posture, I simply did not have the resources to fret about so many things that swirl around in my mind in more settled times: am I doing my part in my community, in my extended family, for my friends? Should my kids be enrolled in certain activities? Am I feeding them as well as I should? The way I measured myself was kinder and more aligned with my children’s absolute needs, not those that are manufactured by our culture or by our minds when we compare ourselves to others. The very idea that there was a “correct” way I should be doing things didn’t have room to take root in my mind.

But how do we give ourselves occasional space from the ever-present rabbit hole of needs and expectations beyond those of our children without having to go through significantly stressful life transitions? Speaking as someone who hasn’t achieved this maternal nirvana but is always seeking it as a source of relief from periodically stifling self-doubt, I have a hunch that a constructive step forward is to set a personal bar of “enough”--to focus on the effort rather than the product, just as we are taught to do for our kids, especially when that feeling of “right” or “enough” feels the most elusive. When I hear the familiar refrain of “I’m getting this wrong” in my own mind or from the lips of a fellow mama-soldier, I am trying to engage my “enough” mantra: “Just seeing my kids as they are right now, as individuals separate from myself, and trying to meet them there as best I can, is a win.”

I have a hunch that a constructive step forward is to set a personal bar of “enough”—to focus on the effort rather than the product, just as we are taught to do for our kids, especially when that feeling of “right” or “enough” feels the most elusive.

Fog is disorienting and renders otherwise accurate navigational tools useless. But if sailors don’t view themselves as failures when clouds settle around them, why are mothers so quick to fault themselves for the parenting equivalent? The fog just is. It comes with the territory of earnest parenting. Recalibrating our expectations of ourselves in these moments is no different than following the beacon of a lighthouse--both function as anchoring life-lines in bewildering moments. To be sure, it is easier to spot a light on the horizon than within the churning sea of thoughts in our own minds, but if we value our effort and our dedication first and foremost--and maybe even have an “enough” mantra at the ready--we are modeling the kind of self-care that we hope our children will practice one day.

 
Baby Not Sleeping Through the Night? Read This.
 

By Totum Founder, Erin Erenberg

Mama always said, “life’s not worth living without a good night’s sleep.”

And, boy, did I hear that over and over in my head this past year, while taking a laissez-baby approach to sleep learning.  Although I’d trained our two bigger kids to sleep through the night at 3 and 5 months, I reasoned that it was too hard to sleep train Beau because we’d moved. I worried that any cry-it-out method would wake his older siblings. And let’s be real: I hated the idea of him crying. So I hoped that I could enjoy all the snuggles and sweetness of nursing him to sleep while his sleep routine naturally fell into place when we settled into our new home.

Ha, yeah right. I was suffering terribly, and I noticed that happy little Beau was cranky and agitated. It appears that unlike some other rites of motherhood that have fallen into place for me when I allow instinct to guide, sleep doesn’t work that way for us. For all three of our kids, I have needed to get serious about sleep training in order to reclaim my sanity and help our kids get the sleep they need for their growth, development and wellness.

For all three of our kids, I have needed to get serious about sleep training in order to reclaim my sanity and help our kids get the sleep they need for their growth, development and wellness.

With George (6) and Arabella (4), I used the Sleepeasy Solution (modified cry-it-out to teach self-soothing), and it worked beautifully. But since I’d broken all the big rules of that method for 12 months (feeding baby to sleep, putting him down asleep, rushing in to help him when he cried, starting sleep training too late) I decided to try a new approach. When I saw that Dream Baby Sleep was offering free 15-minute consults, I figured I had nothing to lose.

What I learned was truly life changing. I’m so excited to share it with you in case it rescues you as it did me. So here’s what I learned, in a nutshell:

  1. Move to an earlier bedtime for the baby. My routine had been to bathe all three of the kids at the same time, after dinner, around 6:30. They got PJ’d, lotioned, and hair/teeth-brushed in a line-up, and then George and Arabella were allowed 20-30 minutes of a movie while I put Beau down around 7PM. Erin at Dreambaby suggested I put Beau down no later than 6:30. Now I put him down between 5:45-6:30 PM. The early end of that spectrum is best if he skips his last nap or doesn’t have great daytime sleep. Not only has this been effective for Beau, but it’s also allowed me to have better quality time with the older kids in their last half-hour before bedtime.

  2. Separate the feed from the bedtime routine. Because I’m a rule-following kind of gal, I literally started doing Beau’s nighttime feed outside his bedroom and only move to his bedroom when it’s game-time.

  3. Keep the nighttime routine very short (15 minutes). After dinner, bath, PJs and final feed, next comes the real magic -- the tight and consistent bedtime routine. What works for us is this: Beau waves night-night to his siblings; we enter his room; we turn on the sound machine, turn down the blackout blinds (yes, you need these! Or a black garbage bag! Or these!); sit in the rocking chair; zip on the sleep sack; read one book; turn off the light; and then say good night.

  4. Put him down calm but awake. If Beau’s not calm after the book, I’ll rock him for as long as it takes me to sing two bars of a song and say a prayer with him. I only stand up to put him into his crib once I feel his little heartbeat slowing slightly. Calm is the key, but don’t let the baby fall asleep in your arms.

  5. The goodnight “mantra.” This seems simple but makes a big difference for mommy and baby. As I put Beau down in his crib, I say to him, “Night-night, Beau. It’s time for sleeping.  Mommy loves you.” Then I lie him down, calm but awake, and exit the room. The End!

Remarkably, just by following these tips, Beau started sleeping through the night in 2 nights! The first night, he cried for about 20 minutes, and I went in and checked on him 10 minutes into that cry. I didn’t touch him, just kept my calm and told him that I was right outside and he was learning to sleep on his own. The Dream Baby crew offers a number of different approaches to working through tears when babies are learning to sleep. Crying-it-out with check-ins works best for me because of Beau’s temperament and my cry tolerance. I love, though, that they offer a range of options for moms and babies so that you don’t feel lost if you don’t have the heart to hear your baby wail and baby’s not surrendering easily to rest.  

There were a few nights in the past few weeks when Beau woke up, teething. One night, I caved and brought him into bed to nurse. I felt worried about that, but I went back to our game plan the following night. And it all snapped back into place beautifully.

I’m a big believer in following your maternal instincts. But if sleep isn’t falling into place for you without some work, give these tips a try and definitely check out Dream Baby Sleep. They offer consults, sleep plans, and private Facebook Live events. I’ve found their approach completely non-judgmental, caring and EFFECTIVE!  

Hope this helps you have day after day of love and light, thanks to a good night’s sleep for you and your babies.

Dreamily,

Erin

 
Can I Schedule Time for Being Sad?
 

By Totum Founder, Erin Erenberg

Photo by  @juliahirsch_  via  @mothermag

We’ve all heard the cliches about moms putting everyone else first, forgetting themselves, being caught up in the many “thankless” tasks, logistics, and concerns of daily mothering. This usually presents itself as sacrifices in hygiene -- bad food, no sleep, no bra, no using the restroom without a tiny companion.

For me, putting myself last more often looks like appearing to “have it all together” for the sake of our kids’ sense of comfort and wellbeing. The real me lets it all out, with plenty of tears and talk, when things aren’t working. But lately I either (a) have a constant tiny audience or (b) am jamming through work-related tasks while paying someone to help me with the baby. There is no time block for letting it out, alone.

For me, putting myself last more often looks like appearing to “have it all together” for the sake of our kids’ sense of comfort and wellbeing.

Most of us know someone who’s crippled by anxiety because his/her mom didn’t create a sense of wellbeing and safety in the home. I think I’m really worried about this for my kids because my parents did create a sense of safety and security, and the beauty of that gift has yielded returns well into my adulthood. I want to provide a similar sense for our kids. I want to put my positive role models to work.

So, because I don’t want George (6) and Arabella (4) to be anxious adults, I do things like turning on upbeat music and presenting a mellow outlook if we run dangerously late for drop off.  I try to avoid arguing in front of them or double-back and talk through it when I lose my temper in their presence. But the downside is that I’m so focused on attuning to their ups and downs that I shove my feelings down where I think my kids can’t see them.  The fallacy is not lost on me, but I’m trying my best.  

But the downside is that I’m so focused on attuning to their ups and downs that I shove my feelings down where I think my kids can’t see them.

And lately I’m not actually “ok.” You see, two of my very closest friends in the whole world -- Robin and Wendy -- have gone through mastectomies in the last 8 months.  Just before turning 40. And until yesterday, I hadn’t even cried.

When living in Los Angeles, I heard so many people use the phrase “holding space,” and I didn’t know what that really meant until now. It seemed vaguely woo-woo and eye-roll. But for me, over the past months, it’s meant that I have this big, gaping morass of fear, hope, pain, loss, confusion, bewilderment, shock, disillusionment and love that I hold for two friends who are part of my soul.

I still see my friends Robin and Wendy in their late teens. Their beauty, vitality, brilliance, wit, grace and strength is irreplaceable and ageless. They’ve got smiles that make your heart dance, each a wicked sense of humor, and so loyal that I’ve never once questioned where I stand. They each have two boys. We all went to the same college but now live in 3 different countries. Despite distance and time, these girls are in my mind and heart every hour.  

And this year, they each faced down breast cancer and feared for their lives.

Two days ago, on a Saturday, I sat with my coffee, in my robe, and just completely broke down. The tears wouldn’t stop. At first, our kids were stunned, and then ran over to me and held me, telling me it would be okay. As most moms do, I immediately felt a flood of worry and shame about losing my cool in front of my kids. But instead of pretending, I let it go.

Two days ago, on a Saturday, I sat with my coffee, in my robe, and just completely broke down. The tears wouldn’t stop.

Then I tried to convey my feelings with words they might understand. I told them that I was really sad for my friend. That my friend Robin was having a scary surgery in the hospital that day, and that I felt helpless in saving my friend from big feelings and scary thoughts. I told them that I was okay but that sometimes when we love our friends so much, it makes us cry when we know they are in pain.

There have been a lot of things happening in our lives in the past year -- new baby, new business, new home (to name a few). Meanwhile, there are major emotional realities at play for me that have nothing to do with my daily (pre)occupations. And one big one is grappling with two of my closest friends facing down cancer before turning 40.

Funny enough, my friend Robin is a brilliant doctor and is convinced that her diagnosis has something to do with some major losses in her life, both of which she feels she didn’t fully process.  And Wendy faced horrible unexpected loss a few times in the last decade as well.

So in the spirit of facing pain head on, I’m sharing this with all of you. I don’t really have the answer to the question of how to feel and process painful adult realities when you’ve got a constant tiny audience. But I know that I need more friendship and understanding to work through it in a healthy way. So thank you for letting me share this with you. Thank you for “holding space” for me.

I’d love to hear from you about how you process your pain while prioritizing your babies.  And I’d love to hear tips on how to best support friends going through breast cancer.

In this together,

Erin

 
The Bittersweet Wonder of Watching Your Kids Become More Independent
 

By Alexis Gantsoudes

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Almost daily, when a blurry moment of parenting kids who are in 3rd, 6th and 8th grades subsides into a fleeting pause, I am struck with a sense of wonder.

This wonder is different from the universal kind I felt when watching each of my babies do something for the first time or discover something about themselves or the world around them; it is the kind you might feel in a crowded public place when you’ve lost your people--in the world before you could use a cellphone to find them. This sneaky and persistent feeling comes from finding myself undeniably and squarely in the middle of the the first phase of parenting, meaning the phase where the kids live at home, under our wings and under our roofs.

This summer, I watched from my car at a stoplight as a mom waiting at the edge of the crosswalk with her child kneeled to tie a sweatshirt around her waist. I suddenly realized that none of my children needs me to do that sort of thing for them anymore--the sort of thing that once filled up my entire day: putting on shoes, cutting up fruit, washing hair, or making a lunch. I find myself being wistful for my preschool-aged buddies who accompanied me on the sometimes drab daily tasks of life. Waiting in line at the post office with a toddler can be exhausting, but it also brings with it the possibility of the unexpected. Sweet moments are everywhere and always possible when you’re literally attached to someone who still inhabits his own little world.

I suddenly realized that none of my children needs me to do that sort of thing for them anymore—the sort of thing that once filled up my entire day: putting on shoes, cutting up fruit, washing hair, or making a lunch.

I will be the first to admit as someone who was at home with my kids while my husband traveled endlessly and family lived airplane flights away, that I regularly fantasized about reclaiming my independence for just the briefest moments when my children were younger. Going for a run without a double stroller--liberating! Driving to the pharmacy to pick up a prescription without buckling three car seats--as indulgent as a massage! Doing any daily task that moms do in an endless cycle without strategizing about food, sleep, thwarting temptations and meltdowns seemed a milestone that was far away and the stuff of dreams to my tired, weary body.

But somewhere between waiting for my youngest to drop his nap so we could be more footloose as a family and living every day in the details, I lost track of time. While the kids seem to need me as much as ever, they need me more intensely and for fewer minutes a day. This has created an “on-call” role that I never imagined when I thought of being a parent and has disrupted my sense of self as a mother. The busyness that so completely overfilled my world with younger children comes now in unpredictable fits and starts, and in many ways, I feel as new to the job as I did when my firstborn was an infant.

While the kids seem to need me as much as ever, they need me more intensely and for fewer minutes a day.

It is not my personality to just let go--to just experience things without analyzing them or trying to understand their role in a greater path that I am trying to follow. However, during those moments of wonder that bubble to the surface so often, I feel the bittersweet call to take a step back, and to allow my presence to be felt more in my kids’ minds as they make a decision than in my deeds. This is all quiet, mental work, but it requires a deceptive amount of effort, awareness and self-restraint. It also requires the bittersweet acknowledgement of another unanticipated parental shift.

I feel the bittersweet call to take a step back, and to allow my presence to be felt more in my kids’ minds as they make a decision than in my deeds

My youngest, who is prone to worry, preferred to be physically close to me as a preschooler and in his early elementary years. When I was encouraging him to venture from my side to do what he wished without me, such as get a drink from the water fountain across a waiting room, I would tell him that we were connected by a stretchy-string--that he could go and get the drink while still being connected to me. My world now feels like a web of endless stretchy-strings. As each of my children ventures towards something new--walking to town with a friend, walking alone around the corner to play soccer with neighborhood kids, staying up late at a friend’s house for a sleepover--I feel the same cocktail of pride, worry, and love I felt as I sent my son to the water fountain. Just as much, though, I feel the need to accept my ever-shifting role and perhaps even celebrate the way in which mothering reinvents us over and over again.

 
Learning How to Love Your Body Right After You Have Your Baby and Always
 

By Stephanie Boxerbaum

Stephanie is an entertainment attorney and founding partner of Box Counsel. She is also the creator of The High Vibe Secret Society, a lifestyle brand for the business minded and wellness driven woman. You can check out her Facebook group here.

Credit: Hylah Hedgepeth

Credit: Hylah Hedgepeth

I remember calling my dietician right after having my first baby and asking whether I was “supposed to be” on a diet. By “right after” having my baby, I literally mean about three weeks into the whole thing. After all, there is no shortage of pre-baby/post-baby Instagram pictures with sometimes almost unbelievable comparisons or ads telling you how to “get your body back” knocking at your door. Lucky for me, my dietician knew the right things to say.

You see, I had an eating disorder years ago. Despite the fact that I was an attorney with a busy life living in Los Angeles, SO much of my energy was spent on food/workouts. Determined not to screw up my soon to be born children (and I had not even met my husband yet either!), I reached a point where I knew I needed to get help to address my issues around food. How could I bring new people into the world with the desire to guide them to the best of my ability when I thought eating a few cheerios for lunch seemed like a good idea?

After years of work on myself and these issues (of course meeting my husband in the process), I knew I was in the right headspace to have a baby and could support the idea that while my body would need to expand during pregnancy, I would be able to eventually and naturally “get my body back”. I had to feel comfortable eating more calories and knowing that my mission was to support this loving being growing inside of me. It felt uncomfortable but there was no way I was going to let my fear of how my body would look stop me from having a baby. When she arrived, I still remember after the C-section thinking that now was the time for me to really put all of my hard work into action and love my body no matter what.

After all, there is no shortage of pre-baby/post-baby Instagram pictures with sometimes almost unbelievable comparisons or ads telling you how to “get your body back” knocking at your door.

I felt truly blessed and so appreciative when my daughter was born (after 27 hours of labor!).  However, even with all of the work I had done to prepare for my post baby body’s arrival, I had my doubts. When I called my dietician that day, the answer was simple. No amount of dieting a few weeks out from having a baby would do anything except put my body in a state of deprivation (which no one needs when there is plenty of sleep deprivation happening already). My mind was in no kind of place a new mom’s needs to be. She helped to put me at ease and gave the gentle reminder that being in a state of nurturing, self-compassion and love – which is what ALL women need right after they have a baby - was the path to re-discover in my motherhood journey. I loved the reminder and really put into action true routines of self-care. 

After having my second daughter, the path was even easier to follow and truly, I want my daughters to love and honor their bodies. The messages they receive on these topics all start with me (and my husband) so I remind myself of that whenever necessary! I hear women stress all the time about their bodies, foods that they shouldn’t be eating especially around the post baby timing and while sometimes they are sarcastic (e.g., I already had my baby and still look three months pregnant), under the sarcasm typically is pain and/or shame. 

Being in a state of nurturing, self-compassion and love – which is what ALL women need right after they have a baby - was the path to re-discover in my motherhood journey.

ALL women deserve to be reminded to appreciate their body day in and day out. I am all for eating healthy and working out, mainly so you can put your energy into areas of your life you truly enjoy – especially like bonding with your baby! I call it living life from a high vibe perspective. Maximizing all of your energy to keep you in your flow. 

Many people talk about how it takes 9 months to have a baby and you should expect it to take that long (or longer) to get your body back. I would like to throw out the idea that maybe it isn’t about “getting your body back” but more that the focus is spent honoring and appreciating your body. Listening. Nurturing. Focusing on health and not listening to the inner critic inside that jumps out from time to time. Having a baby is a beautiful gift and if food and/or body image thoughts are running a little too rampant in your mind, there are people you can see to talk about it. I am here to give recommendations anytime! 

Just some tips to keep handy: 

  • If you aren’t fitting into your clothes, buy clothes that do fit. It will make you feel better instead of cringing every time you go into your closet. Body acceptance takes time and doesn’t mean that you just give up. It just means you can love yourself and appreciate everything you did to have a baby while your body finds itself again.

  • Snacks and more snacks. As new moms, we are busy, tired, busy again and then even more tired again. Have healthy snacks on hand at all times. Foods that fuel you and you can grab quickly – and foods that you love. If you don’t like carrot sticks, take those off the list! 

  • Love and more love. Every time that voice creeps in – the way your stomach looks, the way your boobs look, if your pants feel tight, whatever it is…shift toward love. You have everything to be proud of so march that body around and own its beauty!! 

  • Think high vibe thoughts. This may sound a little airy-fairy BUT…when you start questioning your body, how you look…literally tap back into your high vibe self. The part of you that honors everything, believes in everything and is just as beautiful as the new baby that has arrived in your life. You just brought ANOTHER HUMAN BEING into the world! If that isn’t high vibe, I don’t know what is! Don’t let any negativity bring you down, ever!

I would like to throw out the idea that maybe it isn’t about “getting your body back” but more that the focus is spent honoring and appreciating your body.

I wish so much love to anyone who is experiencing the joys of motherhood. If you looked in the mirror today to only think your dieting should kick in, let this be a gentle reminder that you are already amazing just as you are, no dieting necessary.

 
On the Importance of Mothering the Mother
 

By McLean McGown

McLean is a mother, wife, Postpartum Doula, Yoga & Pilates teacher, Nutritionist, Buddhist and yoga practitioner living in Los Angeles. McLean founded Mother The Mother to support women through their postpartum period into motherhood.

Follow Mclean @motherthemother

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Becoming a Mother is something so big that words usually fail me as I try to express it all. Every feeling packed into a cyclical well of emotion with layers of our past, our lineage, our own birth stories as well as those of our babies. I have had two births. I have two daughters aged 7 and 1. Each pregnancy and birth had so many different lessons for me to push up against and from which to learn.

The birth of my first daughter, Jemima, did not go as I had wanted. I had planned a birth center birth with midwives and due to meconium in the amniotic fluid (she pooped) we transferred to the hospital when I was 10 cm dilated and my water broken. That car ride was a living hell. I was trying with all of my might to escape my body. To not be where I was. By the time I got to the hospital I was screaming for drugs. They finally gave me some 6 hours later after pushing and having the Dr. try to pull her out of me. I felt ravaged and traumatized. The “natural” birth I had been coached on and so wanted was being respected by all of the people in the room. But I had changed my mind and nobody was listening. I felt unseen and unheard. Traumatized. But after they put her on my chest and she started nursing it all felt perfect and in order.

Cut to a year and a half later when I crashed and realized that all was not right.

Cut to a year and a half later when I crashed and realized that all was not right. I had struggled with postpartum anxiety, barely slept, barely ate. I carried on because I thought all of what I was going through was normal. My husband went back to work the day after her birth. He is in the film business and the pressure was on. I adored my baby but I suffered. I loved being a mom. But I did not respect my process nor did I ask for help. It took a handful of years and a lot of money, healers, therapy, inner work, meditation, proper nutrition, blood work, etc. for me to come back to being whole.

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After this journey I knew that I was being called to help women thrive not just survive. I became a prenatal yoga teacher and soon made my way to becoming a postpartum doula.

Almost 6 years later when I gave birth to my second daughter, Goldy Wolf. My dream of dreams homebirth came true. For most of the time in between the girls, I was 100% sure that I did not want another kid. In fact, I had a #oneanddone hashtag. I would get so offended when people would constantly ask me when I was having another one and wasn’t it kind of selfish to have an only child..?! I was an only child and for the most part loved it. People’s feedback is so frustrating when it comes to fertility, pregnancy, postpartum. There is a lot of unconscious sharing because they often themselves did not have the care or respect that they so needed. I conceived Goldy Wolf on my 7 year wedding anniversary and she was not planned. We were elated when I found out I was pregnant with her, and very shocked.

For most of the time in between the girls, I was 100% sure that I did not want another kid. In fact, I had a #oneanddone hashtag.

However, I had had a connection with a baby girl for about 3-4 years up until this point. I had communicated with her. And I of course fantasized about my home birth. I wasn’t sure if I was going to have her this lifetime or if she was a guide. But this baby girl was Goldy, and she came in strong and fast.

I was so determined to do things differently this time around now that I knew better. Now that I was steeped in the birth world, I had so many amazing women in my life that I knew would be game changers throughout my journey. I wasn’t sick everyday like the first time so I diligently walked 3-5 miles almost every day of my pregnancy. I was vegan and ate treats and whatever my body craved. I never weighed myself. I ate freely and exercised freely and felt fabulous in my body. I went inside. I did not go to yoga classes, I did not read books, I studied my Self. I practiced very slow ashtanga yoga in silence. I didn’t share a lot. I went deeper into my inner knowing than ever before. I had learned to respect and trust myself. I knew that if I had to transfer to the hospital I would be met with the loving arms of my new OB.

And I also knew that I needed to find the mind of a warrior. So that is what I did. Davi Khalsa was my midwife and she is a Queen from another realm. She is spiritual and tough and honest and uses the F word. She helped my husband and me get into warrior mode. She helped empower him to help me birth my baby if she didn’t arrive in time. She did, thank Spirit, but he did catch her as she was born en caul (inside the still intact amniotic sack) as I birthed her on our bed. This birth was amazing. And the fucking hardest thing I’d ever done. And I’d like to add that I ran a marathon with a busted knee and that was nothing compared to this few hours of unmedicated birth. I literally surrendered to my death. It felt that big. That real. And when I surrendered finally, I pushed my baby out. I will never be as proud of myself as I was then. Nobody can ever take that away from me. A new level of fearlessness has taken residence in my body. I also knew that as much as I had prepared and meditated on and manifested for this outcome, birth is birth and is a mystery. I had to let go of the outcome and trust the process.

I will never be as proud of myself as I was then. Nobody can ever take that away from me.

That is one of the things I want to share with every woman. Do the work to get what you want but then have the bravery to surrender to whatever is. Pregnancy is an incredible time in your life to lift up the veil and dive deep into truly knowing yourself. If you so chose. Or you can chose not to.

No woman gets through conception, pregnancy, birth and postpartum unscathed. There will always be a big life lesson. Because becoming a mother IS a death and rebirth of Self. It is intended to be that. Create the best support team that you can and then focus on making yourself the captain of that team. You and your baby will be the ones doing the work. Everyone else is support staff.

That is one of the things I want to share with every woman. Do the work to get what you want but then have the bravery to surrender to whatever is.

I am grateful that I had two such different births. I am grateful for the hard lessons that I have learned. They made me who I am today and helped me to be of greater service to the women in my community.

Xo - McLean

Mother The Mother

 
Self-Care Cheat Sheet For The New Mom
 

By Dr. Michelle Glantz

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Several months ago, I wrote a post on the importance of self-care and how it becomes easy to forget about ourselves while caring for our children. To reiterate, I discussed how I am a firm believer that we need to take care of ourselves in order to take care of others. Self-care might have different meanings for you, but if you’re a happy and healthy mama, then the chances are your kids will be as well.  

Since my post on self-care, I have been asked for some simple suggestions to cope with anxiety and stress following the birth of a baby.  Many of these are geared towards the first few months following the birth of a child, but can be used at any time or for anyone.

My suggestions may not take the place of psychotherapy with a trained professional, but they can be used to provide additional care for one’s psychological and emotional well-being. Remember that you may not feel ready to do many of the things listed below, but do what you are able and take small steps. Balancing it all can be tough, so please be gentle with yourself. Remember that taking care of yourself is not only important for YOU, but you are also modeling the importance of self-care and happiness for your children.   

You’ve got this Mamas!

Remember that taking care of yourself is not only important for YOU, but you are also modeling the importance of self-care and happiness for your children.   

Self Care Cheat Sheet

Eat well. 

Take a walk (or exercise if you’re able to and cleared by your physician). 

Stay on all medications you have been instructed to take. 

Get a massage. 

Take a bath. 

Get out of the house.

Listen to music.

Light some candles.

Take calming breaths.

Rest when your baby sleeps or when someone else can provide care for baby.  Yes, here’s the age-old cliché again, “Sleep when your baby sleeps.”  We know how difficult this actually is to carry out, but even if you’re not sleeping, take a mental break or a few minutes to just zone out or meditate.  

Make your needs a priority. It’s easy to forget that the new baby isn’t the only person needing love and attention.  Remember that you can’t properly care for your child if you are not also caring for yourself. 

Seek support from friends and family.

Verbalize how you are feeling to your partner, friend, or family.

Let others know what they can do to help and be specific about what you need from others. Don’t assume that others can read your mind or that you are asking too much from others.  Our loved ones are there to provide additional support so don’t forget to lean on them. 

Don’t compare yourself to others. Every mama and every baby is different! What might be right or work for someone else may not be right for you. 

Do not blame yourself. Find ways to have compassion for yourself.  This is a difficult time and you are trying your best. 

Just do the best you can and remind yourself that you are doing your best.

Remind yourself that all changes take time.

Remember that this too shall pass.  

Remain mindful of when you need to slow down and take a break.   

Confide in someone you trust. 

Be careful asking too many people for advice. Everyone has an opinion!

Set limits with your guests. It’s okay to let others know that you are too tired or not up to having guests over.  Take care of you first!

Surround yourself with people you love.

Avoid people who make you feel bad or uneasy and set boundaries with people you can’t avoid. Okay Mamas, we all have those people in our lives. Perhaps you can’t avoid them forever, but at least give yourself an out for right now. It’s okay to screen your phone calls and If they don’t make you feel good, you don’t have to see them!

Give yourself permission to have negative feelings. Expect some good days and some more difficult ones. Allow yourself to dislike the negative parts and to soak in the positive and know that it’s okay to feel all these conflicting emotions at once.  We have all heard well-meaning versions of the message, “Don’t feel sad.” Take note that sadness is a normal human reaction and instead of telling ourselves NOT to feel, we need to remember that it is OKAY to feel and that we will be better and stronger in doing so. 

Expect some good days and some more difficult ones.

Play. D.W. Winnicott, a British pediatrician and psychoanalyst believed that playing serves as the basis for creativity and the discovery of the self. Playing, says Winnicott, opens up a space of trust and relaxation and is the key to emotional and psychological well-being . By "playing", he meant not only the ways that children play, but also the way adults "play" through creating art, or participating in hobbies, laughter, conversation, etc. Winnicott believed that play is critical to the development of authentic selfhood, because when people play they feel real, spontaneous and alive. So, go ahead and give yourselves the time and space to play! 

Laugh.  Research indicates numerous benefits of laughter including enhancing intake of oxygen-rich air, stimulation of the heart, lungs and muscles, and increases in the endorphins that are released by the brain.  Laughter can also stimulate circulation and aid muscle relaxation, both of which can help reduce some of the physical symptoms of stress and promote relaxation.  Laughter may ease pain by causing the body to produce its own natural painkillers. It also helps connection with other people and may serve to Improve mood.  

Trust your instincts. You are the expert of you. Listen to yourself and your body,  and have faith that you are sensing accurately. 

Avoid overdoing anything. 

Set small goals for yourself. 

Delegate household duties. 

You are the expert of you. Listen to yourself and your body,  and have faith that you are sensing accurately. 

Prioritize what needs to be done and what can wait.

Avoid strict or rigid schedules.  While schedules can be helpful in getting baby on a routine, adhering too rigidly to them may have the effect of creating undue stress on ourselves.  It’s okay to be flexible and deviate from the plan at times.  If your baby nurses or sleeps a bit early or late, it won’t be the end of the world. 

Finally, don’t be afraid to reach out for help from a skilled professional.  We’re always here to help. 

 
The Family Separation Crisis and What it Teaches Us About How to Respond to Our Own Children’s Trauma
 

In recent weeks, the media has been inundated with disturbing pictures, videos, and audio recordings of distraught children and parents having been forcibly separated from one another. Much of the coverage of the “Zero Tolerance” immigration policy guides our attention towards debates around which president or political party is at fault for the implementation of a policy that has separated at least 2500 children from their parents over the last couple months. The more crucial dialogue surrounds how separating children from primary attachment figures causes profound psychological harm, which can have long lasting and devastating effects.

Attachment theory suggests that children are born with an attachment system that is activated when the child is in or perceives distress. When activated, children exhibit proximity seeking behaviors such as crying or looking towards their primary attachments for comfort and protection. A secure attachment to a primary caregiver functions to provide a sense of safety and security, regulates emotions by soothing distress and supporting calm, and offers a secure base from which to explore the world.

When immigrant children are suddenly and forcibly separated from their primary attachments, they are taken from their very source of safety and security. This disruption of attachment is often compounded by poverty, violence in their country of origin, and harsh conditions during travel. Once separated from their parents, children are then placed for an indefinite amount of time in the custody of the Office of Refugee Resettlement.

When immigrant children are suddenly and forcibly separated from their primary attachments, they are taken from their very source of safety and security.

Psychiatrist and author, Judith Herman (1997) defines psychological trauma as “an affliction of the powerless. At the moment of trauma, the victim is rendered helpless by overwhelming force. Traumatic events overwhelm the ordinary systems of care that give people a sense of control, connection, and meaning.”

FACT: Childhood trauma is pervasive and can have long-term negative effects on all aspects of health and well-being. This policy of separating immigrant parents and children who are detained while crossing the border leads to profoundly harmful and traumatic consequences.

Countless studies have explored the effects of war and/or post-conflict situations on children’s mental health and have found a high prevalence of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, anxiety disorders, and depressive symptoms. Learning difficulties, hyperactivity, somatization, and social isolation was found in Central American refugee children resettled in Canada. (Rousseau et al., 1996). 

Fifty-seven percent of Cuban children and adolescents detained in a U.S. refugee camp, 4 to 6 months after release, reported moderate to severe PTSD symptoms (Rothe et al., 2002). 

A literature review conducted by Lustig et. al. (2004) explored stressful experiences and stress reactions among child and adolescent refugees including unaccompanied minors, asylum seekers, and former child soldiers. They found that child and adolescent refugees suffer from significant conflict-related exposures.

Sourander (1998) examined the traumatic events and behavior symptoms of unaccompanied refugee minors waiting for placement in an asylum center in Finland and concluded that the refugee children had experienced a number of losses, separations, persecution, and threats. About half of the minors exhibited aggressive behavior, anxiety and depression, attention problems, rule-breaking behavior, somatic complaints, social problems, thought problems, and were withdrawn. Those who were younger than 15 years old displayed more severe psychiatric problems than the older children. There was a lack of rehabilitative services, the staff ratio was very low and the time spent in the asylum center waiting for the placement decision was relatively long for these minors.

Trauma researchers Van Der Kolk and D’Andrea (2010) outline the many ways in which prolonged interpersonal childhood trauma continues to affect individuals throughout life.


AFFECT DYSREGULATION

lability, explosive anger, psychic numbing, social withdrawal, dysphoria, depression, lack of motivation, behavioral and emotional “shutting down” in the face of overwhelming stress

ImPULSE DYSREGULATION

self-injury, risk taking, eating disorders, substance abuse, oppositional behavior, reenactment of trauma

SOMATIZATION AND BIOLOGICAL DYSREGULATION

digestive problems, migraines, conversion symptoms, sexual symptoms, inflammation, chronic pain, chronic fatigue, autoimmune disorders, sensory integration difficulties

Disturbances of attention, consciousness and cognition

dissociation, depersonalization, memory disturbances, concentration issues, lack of curiosity, poor executive functioning, learning difficulties

Distortions in self-perception and systems of meaning

poor self worth, distorted body image, poor sense of separateness, shame and guilt, learned helplessness, expectations of victimization, lack of sense of meaning and belief system

INTERPERSONAL DIFFICULTIES

disrupted attachment styles, trust difficultires, low interpersonal effectiveness, intimacy issues, poor social skills and boundaries


Fortunately, most of our children are not faced with the inexplicable trauma of separation from their caregivers. The “Zero Tolerance Policy,” however has forced many parents and caregivers to contemplate the unpredictability of life and to reflect on how we can strive to better protect our children.  Despite our best efforts to do so, there are times when we are unable to shield our children from the inevitable complexities, hardships, and uncertainties of life. We can’t help but consider, how we can best support our own children when they face difficulties, loss, or traumatic experiences?

A complete and thorough discussion of helping children through trauma is complex and highly dependent on each child’s particular circumstance.

Children may face sickness or death of a parent, family member, friend, or pet. They may struggle with parents’ divorce, a major move, or perhaps something less traumatic, but nonetheless emotionally challenging, such as difficulties with friends or bullying. The best we can do as parents is to prepare children to tolerate the range of complex emotions that will inevitably arise in the face of difficulties. Establishing a foundation for coping effectively with adversity can be one of the most valuable lessons one can provide for their child. A complete and thorough discussion of helping children through trauma is complex and highly dependent on each child’s particular circumstance, but there are several key points to help guide parents through this difficult journey (James and Friedman, 2001).
 

1.

It is okay to feel sad. We have all heard well-meaning adults communicate versions of the message, “Don’t feel sad.”  When we invalidate children’s feelings in this way, it sends the message that their feelings are not okay. While we would prefer that our children are happy, telling them not to feel sad only causes them to feel shame about these emotions and to hide them from us. Sadness is a normal human reaction and instead of telling children NOT to feel, we want to teach them that it is OKAY to feel and they will be okay in doing so. If your child broke a leg we wouldn’t tell him or her not to feel hurt. Emotional pain should be accepted in the same ways in which we tolerate physical pain.

2.

Help your child by naming the feeling/emotion. Sometimes, children (especially younger ones) have difficulty understanding and labeling their emotions. They might be aware that their tummy feels tight or that their heart is beating faster, but they cannot connect these physical sensations to particular emotions. As parents, we can help our children to connect their physical sensations to their feelings so they can more easily make sense of and process what they are experiencing.

3.

Losses cannot just be replaced. Well-meaning parents often will say things to grieving children such as, “I’m sorry your pet died, but we will get another one soon.” In addition to sending the message that it is not okay to feel sad, parents are communicating that relationships are replaceable. Help children to mourn the loss of a loved one or beloved possession in a meaningful way, which in turn teaches them that each relationship is unique and special.  There is always time to form new relationships (or get a new pet), but every relationship is separate and unique from another.

4.

Sadness, grief, and fear are emotional, not intellectual. Listen and allow all emotions to be expressed without criticism, judgment, or scrutiny. Don’t try to talk your child out of his feelings and remember that emotions don’t always make intellectual sense. Hold off on giving advice or asking, “What is wrong?” Although we are tempted to “make it better,” it’s more helpful to accept and reflect on your child’s feelings and thoughts. Sometimes, just being there physically and listening intently is enough.

When we allow ourselves to model appropriate emotional reactions, our children learn that it is okay for them to have difficult feelings as well.

5.

Showing emotion, does not mean you are not strong. It is okay to be emotional in front of your child. This doesn’t suggest that you should have a complete melt-down while your child is watching, but feeling sad and being tearful is an appropriate reaction to a sad and emotionally painful experience. When we allow ourselves to model appropriate emotional reactions, our children learn that it is okay for them to have difficult feelings as well. Additionally, it might be helpful for adults to share openly about their own feelings which will help your child feel more comfortable opening up about their own.

6.

It is okay to leave time to just grieve. Messages such as “Stay busy” or “Just spend time with friends to keep your mind off it,” are just another way of saying that it’s not okay to feel badly.

7.

There is no wrong way or time limit to grieve. Everyone grieves in their own time and in their own way. If your child is grieving longer than you, it doesn’t necessarily mean this is not okay. Yes, he or she may need some professional assistance, however the length of time alone does not indicate that something is not right. Be patient and don’t force your child to talk if he or she is not ready to do so. Each child is unique and each has a unique relationship to the loss or trauma.


References

D’Andrea W. and Van Der Kolk, B. (2010). Towards a developmental trauma disorder diagnosis for childhood interpersonal trauma.

In Lanius R.A., Vermetten E., & Pain, C. (Eds.) The Impact of Early Life Trauma on Health and Disease (pp. 57-68). United Kingdom: The Cambridge University Press.

James, J.W. & Friedman, R. (2001). When children grieve; for adults to help children deal with death, divorce, pet loss, moving, and other losses. New York, NY: Harper Collins Publishers.

Herman, J. L. (1997). Trauma and recovery: The aftermath of violence, from domestic abuse to political terror. New York: Basic Books.

Lustig S.L., Kia-Keating M., Knight W.G., Geltman P., Ellis H., Kinzie J.D., Keane T., & Saxe G.N. (2004). Review of child and adolescent refugee mental health. Journal of the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry, 43, 24-36.

Rothe E., Lewis J., Castillo-Matos H., Martinez O., Busquets R., & Martinez I. (2002). Posttraumatic stress disorder among Cuban children and adolescents after release from a refugee camp.   Psychiatric Services, 53, 970–976.

Rousseau C, Drapeau A, & Corin E (1996). School performance and emotional problems in refugee children. The American Journal of Orthopsychiatry, 66, 239–251.

Sourander, A. (1998). Behavior problems and traumatic events of unaccompanied refugee minors. Child Abuse & Neglect, 7, 719-727.

 
Answers to Your Questions About Postpartum
 
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Most questions we received this week were related to Postpartum OCD (ppOCD), so our brilliant and kind Dr. Michelle expounds on the topic here.  

Postpartum OCD (ppOCD) is an anxiety disorder characterized by intrusive, unwanted, and repetitive thoughts, images, or urges (obsessions), which may or may not be accompanied by compulsive behaviors. While the exact cause of ppOCD is unknown, experts believe that it results from a combination of hormonal, psychological, genetic, biological, psychosocial, and environmental factors. Obsessions and compulsions can take many forms for different people and usually focus on the baby.

Obsessional thoughts might include:

  • I’m terrified my baby will get sick and die.

  • What if my baby stops breathing in the middle of the night?

  • I’m scared someone will steal my baby if we go out in public.

  • What if I accidentally or intentionally act on an urge to stab my baby?

  • Why do I keep having an image of my baby falling off the changing table?

Compulsions can include:

  • Repeatedly checking on the baby’s breathing in the middle of the night

  • Excessive bathing and washing rituals

  • Repeatedly asking others for reassurance that baby is okay

  • Taking great measures to avoid the baby

Obsessions are unwanted, difficult to control, and increase anxiety. In order to neutralize the anxiety associated with these obsessions, one might then engage in overt or mental compulsions or avoidance. For example, a mother might have repetitive images of something terrible happening to her baby while driving in the car. As a means to decrease the anxiety associated with this thought, she may avoid driving anywhere with her baby. Another mother might have unwanted thoughts that she will act on an urge to intentionally harm her own baby.  This mother might then begin to avoid her baby altogether. It is important to understand that in the latter example, this mother does not have these thoughts because she actually wants to hurt her child, but rather she is terrified that she might act on these thoughts. The obsessions are unwanted and conflict with a person's self-image and character.

According to the International OCD Foundation, up to 80% of new mothers report having strange, unwanted thoughts. This means that most new parents have similar experiences with anxiety and intrusive thoughts, but would not be diagnosed with Postpartum OCD. A diagnosis of OCD might be made when preoccupation with the intrusive thoughts is clearly disruptive to a mother’s normal functioning and greatly interferes with her ability to care for herself and her baby. It is no surprise that this can have devastating effects on the parent-child relationship and highlights the immense need for treatment. Due to the fear of stigma and feelings of intense shame, however many women are resistant to seeking help. If you or anyone you know is experiencing these symptoms please know that you are not alone and it is okay (and important) to reach out for help from a qualified and licensed mental health professional.

Others of you wanted to learn a little more about psychological and emotional responses to weaning. Dr. Michelle responds here: 

It is not uncommon for women to feel tearful, depressed, irritable, or anxious when weaning. Not much research exists on this topic, but some hypothesize that a shift in hormones when weaning may be a major cause for these feelings. Other factors might involve feelings of sadness around the loss of this special time with your infant. These mood changes usually go away on their own, but some weaning mothers may experience more severe symptoms that require treatment.

 
I Finally Understood What Being a Foster Parent Meant
 

By Cecy Hansen

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After learning that we would never be able to have a baby on our own, my husband and I made it a matter of prayer what to do next. We looked into agencies for adoption and with no answers, we decided to start looking into fostering to adopt. Chances were better through this method, or at least we thought so. We met with a group that fosters drug-exposed and medically fragile children, and we fell in love with all of the stories about these special needs children.

For months and months, I prayed for a baby, and even though we fostered for three years, none of the babies placed with us stayed. I was heartbroken. I was so attached to these kiddos that I would cry and cry every time I sent them home. I felt like it would never happen, and that I was ending up loving these precious children with no chances of adopting.  

But then, I had a placement of a little girl that called me “mommy.” She was so convinced that I was her mom, and her love was so sincere; it filled my heart with joy.  Sadly, she too had to move to a different placement, but this time I knew something was different. I had made her life better; I made her feel safe for once in her short life. She called me mommy because she trusted me, and she wanted her reality to be me. I finally understood what fostering meant: you, as a foster parent, will change that little kid’s life. You showed them what a family is like, what a loving environment feels like.  That was a turning point for me, because no matter how much I miss her, I know she will trust, she will love, and have the chance to be great at anything.  

I finally understood what fostering meant: you, as a foster parent, will change that little kid’s life.

Life as a foster parent will never be easy, but life as a biological parent isn’t easy either.  We go through the same ups and downs. I have to learn to be strong for these babies. I learn to rely on my husband and our amazing family and friends. I rejoice just like a biological parent would with their kid’s accomplishments. I have learned to see the world through the unconditional love these kids give me. I live by this saying: They give me the eyes to see the world as it is, and I give them the eyes to see how it could be. Being a mom of these amazing kids is my best accomplishment. 

Our dreams for adoption were definitely a challenge. As a military family facing the challenges of military relocations and deployments, it seemed like an impossible dream to us. But once we started the process, we knew this was the right way to grow our family.

I have learned to see the world through the unconditional love these kids give me.

From the time that we started the process, our whole family embraced our journey and stood behind us in every way. Although some of our family members live far away, it felt like they were right here supporting us. My husband was nervous at first, but after our first foster placement, he was confident that this was our calling. And my children from a previous relationship, ages 16 and 10, were also excited to welcome foster kids to our home. 

Approximately 18 months ago, we started fostering a little baby boy with special needs. My relationship with my children shifted to a different level when I was able to see how much compassion and love my children have to offer to him. They wanted to make sure that he was welcomed and felt like part of our family. My whole world evolved; I saw the most intimate emotion one can have as a parent.

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Our baby’s Court Appointed Special Advocate (CASA) through Voices for Children has been a pillar of our journey. She has followed him from his placement with us until now, helping us research, advocate, and find all of the services for our precious little boy. She goes above and beyond to make sure his special needs are met. We could not do it without our CASA by our side. 

My dear husband, baby’s social workers, and his CASA – we all work as a team. We all come together to plan for the best possible outcome for our baby boy, and I know he is growing stronger each day with such an amazing team dedicated to his well-being.

 
"Will I Be Good Enough?" from Totum's Resident Psychologist
 

By Dr. Michelle Glantz, Ph.D.

Michelle Glantz, Ph.D

Will I be good enough?

Like many women, I found this concern repeatedly running through my mind as I looked towards my transition to motherhood. I knew what type of mother I wanted to be, but I wondered if I would ever be good enough (also known in my mind as “perfect”) to raise a happy, healthy, kind, and compassionate human?

Can I actually be responsible for another person?

I can barely keep my houseplants alive for longer than 3 months, how the &^%$ am I going to raise a child?

Would I inadvertently falter to childhood experiences of tough love and criticism or would I be kind, nurturing, sensitive, and patient?

Will I be consumed by my own life and career or will I leave enough time for my children?   

Will my baby even like me?

The questions went on and on…

D.W. Winnicott, a British pediatrician and psychoanalyst first coined the term, “good enough mother” in 1953. Through extensive observation of mothers and babies, Winnicott believed that it is actually beneficial when mothers “fail” their babies in manageable ways. At first, a mother is entirely devoted to her infant’s needs. The mother gradually allows her baby to experience small amounts of frustration, according to the infant's increased ability to deal with failure. The mother is not perfect, but she is good enough. She is caring, empathic, and compassionate, but may not respond immediately to her baby’s every cry. Winnicott believed that parenting through these tolerable failures is essential in teaching children how to live independently in a flawed world with imperfect people.

Winnicott believed that parenting through these tolerable failures is essential in teaching children how to live independently in a flawed world with imperfect people.

I understood this theoretical concept from my education and training as a clinical psychologist and discussed its value and implications with my patients. Nonetheless, I wasn’t spared from the anxieties around my own pregnancy and becoming a mother. After eating my way through all the bakeries on the west side of Los Angeles, I received a call halfway through pregnancy from my OB alerting me that my gestational diabetes (GD) test had come back positive. He assured me that this had absolutely nothing to do with my diet (yeah right, I thought). The doctor continued to explain that in some women, placental hormones are responsible for causing a rise in blood sugar to levels that may affect the growth of the baby. It was almost impossible for me to believe that my eating habits had not been the culprit behind the development of my diagnosis.

Throughout the rest of pregnancy, I was forced to avoid sugar and maintain a low carbohydrate diet. I was also required to prick my finger four times daily to check that my food intake had not increased my sugar levels beyond a certain level. I was informed of the dangers that GD can impose on a newborn including the possibility of macrosomia, a condition where the baby can grow too large. These babies can become wedged in the birth canal or undergo birth injuries if they are not delivered via C-section.  Additionally, GD can increase the likelihood of preterm birth, respiratory distress syndrome, or hypoglycemia and seizures. As a result, my doctor recommended that I be induced at 38.5 weeks to make sure that my baby would not have difficulty coming out the birth canal.

When induction day arrived, my husband and I packed our hospital bags and headed to the hospital. Despite the ease of this scenario, this was NOT the labor I had envisioned. The fantasy in which my water would break unexpectedly forcing my husband and I to rush frantically through LA traffic to the hospital was gone.

Shortly after arriving at the hospital, I was hooked up to IV’s and started on Pitocin to initiate contractions. The anesthesiologist arrived shortly after to give me an epidural, my OB broke my water and when I was fully dilated I began to push. After about a half hour of pushing, my son’s head was visible. After more pushing and no further progress, my doctor realized that his umbilical cord was wrapped around his neck.  He didn’t seem overly concerned and proceeded to free him so that he could make his way completely out the birth canal.

When my baby was lifted out and brought into the world, it was the most beautiful experience I had ever witnessed in my lifetime. Unfortunately, it was cut short soon after because he wasn’t crying. The doctors placed him on me for a brief moment while they began to suction his airway, but quickly moved him to the table where they could begin extra stimulation. Naturally, I was terrified. As my doctor continued to stitch my episiotomy, the nurses continued to work with my baby. I asked if he was going to be okay and was reassured numerous times that he would be fine. My baby boy eventually began to cry and was placed on me again to try nursing for the first time.

Over the next several hours, my son’s blood sugar dropped to dangerously low levels, an effect of my gestational diabetes. Nurses entered my hospital room in the middle of the night to warn me that if they did not provide him formula to quickly raise his blood sugar, he could be at risk of having a seizure.  Scared and confused, with no one else to consult, my husband and I obviously agreed to give formula immediately, even though I had planned to breastfeed exclusively. Eventually, my son’s blood sugar raised and stabilized, and we were able to leave the hospital two days later.

The next several weeks were full of ups and downs. Breastfeeding was not going well, to say the least. My baby had difficulty latching and nursing felt like someone was scraping razor blades against my breasts. Countless lactation consultants visited us, with the last one advising us that if it was too difficult, then we should just quit. Despite this, I continued to nurse my baby for close to forty minutes per feeding, which did not satisfy him as he wasn’t able to suck adequately. This was then followed by twenty minutes of pumping, and finally giving a bottle of breast milk with additional formula. By the time this entire routine was over, it was time to start feeding him all over again. I was exhausted, anxious, and terrified that I was somehow inadequate. No one could explain to me why my baby was not latching or sucking effectively and I felt completely alone. Several weeks into my son’s life, I began to accept that I would not breast feed the way I had planned and my panic eventually subsided. I began to settle into motherhood as well as our never-ending feeding routine.   

After a couple months, we began a Mommy and Me group. The class was wonderful and I had the pleasure of spending time with other amazing moms and their babies. As the months progressed, however, I watched as the other babies reached milestones and mine did not. Rolling over, sitting up, crawling...my baby was as happy as a clam laying on his back, smiling at me, and gazing up at the world. I was too embarrassed and afraid to ask for advice in group.  Fearing that the other moms would think I wasn’t doing a good enough job with my baby or that worse, I would be told something could be terribly wrong, I chose to remain silent. After all, they were all with their babies during the day, and I had already returned to work. I thought that perhaps my baby was missing out on something he could have received from me, leading him to these delays. Unfortunately, these fears and concerns led to my early discontinuation in the group and I never felt courageous enough to share how I was feeling with the group leader or the other moms. 

And here it was again.  That self-doubting, critical voice I had become so familiar with insidiously repeating itself in my mind…Am I not good enough?

My pediatrician eventually referred us for evaluations with a neurologist, physical therapist, and developmental pediatrician. After numerous months of nerve-wracking testing, doctors and specialists finally determined that there was no specific or critical underlying cause for my son’s delays. I came to understand that my son had just been born this way and that he would meet his milestones on his own time. Additionally, it was not because of anything I did or didn’t do for him.

And here it was again. That self-doubting, critical voice I had become so familiar with insidiously repeating itself in my mind…Am I not good enough?

My son is now a happy, healthy 3.5-year-old boy who is just about caught up developmentally to his same age peers. It has been a long road of early intervention for us, with numerous physical, occupational, and speech therapy sessions per week. Looking back, I wouldn’t change a thing except for the way in which I was so harsh and critical of myself and so quick to believe that there had been something I had done wrong.   

Becoming a mother was one of the first major lessons I received in acceptance, losing control, and appreciating the beauty of imperfection. Although my initiation to parenting is just one of countless other experiences, I understand how terrifying it feels to be a new mother and to fear that you are now responsible for another living, completely dependent human. I know how distressing and shameful it feels to admit that you are uncertain about your new role as mother and how this leads many women to stay quiet about their experiences.

Becoming a mother was one of the first major lessons I received in acceptance, losing control, and appreciating the beauty of imperfection.

My goal in sharing my story is to help destigmatize the thoughts and fears around pregnancy, childbirth, and parenting. It is time that we embrace our imperfections as parents and human beings and to remember that not only is this okay, but it is what our growing babies need. We, as mothers, are essential in modeling for our babies that perfection is not only impossible, but it is not and should not be our goal. We, as mothers, are human and we make mistakes.  It is time that we finally receive and welcome the idea of imperfection and allow ourselves to just be…good enough.


Dr. Michelle Glantz is a Los Angeles based mother of two and Clinical Psychologist. She works in private practice specializing in the treatment of life transitions and perinatal mental health disorders. Dr. Glantz works to help expecting or new mothers and fathers work through underlying conflicts that surface around their transitions to parenthood. As a mother herself, she combines a professional and personal approach to her practice and understands first-hand the struggles and difficulties around assuming a new role as a parent. Dr. Glantz also works with children and adolescents struggling with anxiety and/or mood disorders.  In doing so, she believes that including parents in the therapeutic process is vital in helping them to better understand the complexities of development and to improve communication with their children.

 
Adjusting To Life With A Baby After 20 Years Together
 

By Lindsey Staples

A Wife, Mommy and Career-Focused Wine Lover

Lindsey Staples

For the first 15 years of our marriage, we were the “if” we ever have kids, not the “when” we have kids kind of people. We have been together for 20 years and spent that time growing our careers and making memories while enjoying the freedom that being DINKs (dual income, no kids) provides! But once we decided that parenthood was for us, we tried and tried and I was eventually diagnosed with premature ovarian failure. Basically, I had no eggs and if, according to the doctor, I did have any, they were likely “no good.” We were devastated, to say the least.

I began questioning our decision to wait for so long. Did my career-focus stand in the way of us having a family? We got married when I was 20 years old – if we had started our family then, I would have had plenty of eggs, right? The guilt and regret was overwhelming. So overwhelming that my husband and I decided to put our house on the market, move to the beach in Southern California and completely reboot our lives (my firm has an office in LA, so I could transfer easily and the hubs owns his own business, so he can work from anywhere). I needed the beach. It’s a happy place for me. 

Did my career-focus stand in the way of us having a family? We got married when I was 20 years old – if we had started our family then, I would have had plenty of eggs, right?

In the meantime, we were referred to a fertility specialist and made an appointment even though we had told ourselves we were not willing to use medical intervention to conceive. Much to our surprise, the specialist disagreed with the diagnosis. And even more to our surprise, shock and awe actually, she did an ultrasound at that appointment and told us that I had an egg, prime and ready to be fertilized. She told us to go home and make a baby. I had no faith that it would work, but who were we to question our doctor’s orders? So make a baby we did and two weeks later, we got the answers to our prayers: a positive pregnancy test. Well, 5 positive pregnancy tests to be exact! We pulled our house off the market and Northern California became home again; the place where we would raise our family. 

When discussing starting a family, we promised ourselves that our marriage would always come first. We were committed to this baby not changing who we were as husband and wife. The reality is that our relationship as husband and wife did change. Seeing my husband love our daughter so deeply changed the way I look at him. I admire his commitment to being a dad; he is so natural at it. I am so blessed to have him as my partner in parenthood! Becoming parents has changed our marriage, which still comes first, but the love I have for him is so much deeper. Something I never thought was even possible.

Lindsey Staples

To be honest, I also didn’t want having a baby to change who I was as an individual either. In that vein, I was so naïve. The evening before my first day back to work I held our daughter and rocked her to sleep. With tears streaming down my face, I felt something I never thought possible: I felt like my daughter was enough, like I wanted to be a stay at home mom. Who had I become? I never understood how a child could be enough. Had I lost my sense of self since becoming a mother? I had always prided myself on my commitment to being an executive, my strong work ethic and my ability to travel the state, working long days while tirelessly keeping up with our busy social calendar. And now I was ready to throw in the towel on that. What had my daughter done to me?

I went to sleep that night and awoke the next morning to head to the office to begin construction on the build-out of my office, which had been put on hold while I was on leave. As I walked in, I was greeted by an office full of people who were happy to have me back and met with my construction crew to kick off our project. I felt fulfilled in a different way than I had been for the past two months. Not a better way, just a different way. I felt like I was right where I was meant to be. I knew then that I had indeed changed, but that I didn’t need to throw in the towel on my career, I just needed to find a balance.

Lindsey Staples

Fast forward nine months and I can say that motherhood is the most demanding job I’ve ever had, but also the most rewarding. My husband and I often joke that the first eight months were spent just keeping her alive. What does a newborn really need other than intermittent sleep, a little food, a lot of diaper changes and a ton of love? Nothing…that’s the answer…nothing! But now we are entering the fun zone! I love coming home from work each night and ditching my Director of Operations body armor and getting silly during bath time or participating in our family 3 piece band, where Juliet plays the tambourine, daddy plays the guitar and I become a world renowned maraca shaker! 

I felt fulfilled in a different way than I had been for the past two months. Not a better way, just a different way. I felt like I was right where I was meant to be.

I will forever be grateful that the stars aligned and we kept that appointment with the fertility specialist and that we followed doctor’s orders and my one good egg turned into light of our lives!

Lindsey Staples
 
Deconstructing Cravings with Compassion
 

by Daniela Kende

Daniela Kende is a Los Angeles-based holistic nutritionist, health coach, and wellness expert. She supports busy professionals in learning how to develop healthy habits on the go, prepare simple and nourishing real food meals at home, and to create abundant energy to live the life they desire. Daniela specializes in helping her clients break free from food rules and deconstruct cravings with compassion in order to get to the root underlying need, be it physical or emotional. Daniela’s goal is to help others ditch the diet mindset and find freedom with food for good.

Totum Woman Daniela Kende

One of the first things I noticed very early on in my pregnancy was the fact that I simply could not ignore how my body was feeling. Afternoon naps went from a rare luxury to an almost daily necessity. And my food preferences were distinct, particular, and ever-changing.

Pregnant or not, our bodies always have distinct needs in order to thrive –  pregnancy just has a way of amplifying those needs and making it harder (or sometimes impossible) to ignore them and push through.

I’ve coached a number of pregnant women and new moms in my private practice as a holistic nutritionist and health coach, but it wasn’t until experiencing pregnancy for myself this year that I had this aha moment: being pregnant offers women a unique opportunity to grow in compassion towards self – towards our cravings, emotions, and physical state. It’s an opportunity to embrace our needs on a new level, regardless of if they make sense or are convenient. Approaching our pregnancy cravings with compassion and patience can provide the perfect training for life with a newborn, where old expectations are replaced by a non-negotiable need to live in the here and now.

Being pregnant offers women a unique opportunity to grow in compassion towards self – towards our cravings, emotions, and physical state.

But what happens when your pregnancy cravings are for processed junk food you know you should avoid, and that chopped salad you used to love is a total turn off?

This is where we have an opportunity to become compassionate investigators, and dig deeper into our desires in order to understand our needs on a new level. When a craving arises, I find it usually falls into one of these three categories:

  1. A distinct physical desire for an ingredient: ie craving something salty. It could be pickles, potato chips, or sauerkraut, as long as there is salt. This type of craving usually comes from an actual physical need.

  2. A desire for emotional release: When we have feelings that we want to release, we often use food to help us feel a sense of expansion and freedom. This can take the form of a pizza or wine craving to find release after a challenging week.

  3. An emotional numbing or distraction: This type of craving stems from not wanting to deal with difficult feelings when they arise, and will usually manifest in a desire for something creamy, sweet, and/or fatty, such as ice cream, nut butter, or chocolate.

During pregnancy (and anytime, really!), it helps to slow down and bring more mindfulness to our cravings in order to consider the underlying physical or emotional need behind each one. By doing so, we can upgrade our reward and give our bodies and souls what they actually need to thrive.

To help you bring more clarity and compassion to your cravings, here are two of the more common pregnancy cravings I’ve seen in my clients (and myself!), and some tips for how to get what you want and take care of your health in the process:

Totum Women Daniela Kende

Common Craving #1: I scream, you scream, we all scream for ICE CREAM.

Creamy foods provide us with soothing comfort when we are overwhelmed, uncomfortable, or fatigued. Add sugar to the equation, and we’ve got an addicting new habit on our hands.

What your body and mind might actually need: An emotional hug and “time out” from the hustle and bustle of your life. Try establishing a healing nighttime bath routine following these steps:

  1. Run a bath -- just not too hot for baby -- and add a large scoop of pure epsom salts (skip brands with artificial fragrance)

  2. Add a few drops of essential oils right into your tub. I like using chamomile and lavender for night time, as they both promote deep relaxation.

  3. Next, light a candle, dim the lights, put on some relaxing tunes, and BREATHE, using your bath as a time to slow down and reset pesky stress hormones.

  4. Bonus points for bringing a cup of herbal nighttime tea with you to sip while you soak.

Sometimes, an ice cream craving means you’re going to have ice cream! Full stop, no discussion, no bath (or maybe ice cream in the bath?). For those times, try to prioritize the quality of product you choose, in order to lessen the negative impact on your health.

Upgrade your reward: Most ice creams on the market are made from non-organic dairy and have additives that disrupt your hormones and trigger bloating and indigestion. Instead, look for an organic ‘scream that contains just a few whole food ingredients. My favorite clean ice cream brands include:

  • NadaMoo! (dairy-free)

  • Luna & Larry’s Organic Coconut Bliss (dairy-free)

  • Three Twins Organic Ice Cream

  • Alden’s Organic Ice Cream

  • BONUS option: While it’s not ice cream, I find sheep’s milk yogurt to be an incredibly satisfying alternative. It is easier to digest than cow’s milk, has twice the protein, and a lot less sugar. Check out Bellwether Farms Yogurt.

Finally, a note about dairy cravings: Consistently craving dairy during pregnancy could be a sign that your body needs more calcium. Check with your doctor about adding a high quality mineral supplement (I personally take Osteoforce by Designs for Health), to help your body get what it needs to thrive.

If my work with clients has showed me anything, it’s that cravings are good - they tell us exactly what our bodies need. The trick is listening to them, specifically the emotion behind the craving.

Common Craving #2:  Carbs carbs carbs!

Especially during early pregnancy, white bread, bagels, and crackers may be the most appealing option. It’s no wonder: simple, refined carbs require less energy to digest, and are void of any strong smell or taste that could trigger sickness. The downside, beyond the lack of nutrients, is that fluctuations in blood sugar caused by simple carbohydrates can exacerbate morning sickness, which is the last thing any of us want.

What your body and mind might actually need: Rest and more rest. While increasing your nightly Zzzs might feel pretty inconvenient if you’re used to getting by on little sleep, hitting the hay a few hours earlier is the best free medicine available. When we are sleep deprived, our brains scream for simple carbohydrates for a quick burst of energy. Try committing to at least 8-9 hours of sleep per night for a week and see how it impacts your cravings for carbs. Finally, sneak in afternoon naps whenever you can. Even a 10-minute nap can go a long way in reducing cravings and resetting your mental state.

Upgrade your reward: Rather than reaching for refined white flour products, focus on fiber-rich carbs to help slow the blood sugar spike. I’m a big fan of oat, coconut, and buckwheat, all of which are more nutrient-dense and less inflammatory than refined wheat. Here are some of my favorite comforting and nutritious carbs that were a lifesaver during my first trimester and beyond:

  • Oatmeal: Try the Trader Joe’s GF Ancient Grain & Super Seed Oatmeal, which includes flax, hemp, pumpkin, sunflower, and chia seeds -- all of which are fantastic ingredients for a healthy pregnancy. Stir a scoop of plant protein powder into your oatmeal to make it a more complete meal.

  • Sweet potatoes: Rich in vitamins A, C, iron, and potassium, sweet potatoes are pregnancy food all stars. Bake a few at the top of the week and try one topped with almond butter, peanut butter, or tahini for a boost of beneficial fats and protein.

  • Cream of buckwheat: For those times when you need something VERY bland and soothing, try organic cream of buckwheat (I like this old school brand!) cooked in water or unsweetened almond milk to help settle nausea.

  • Tortillas: I’m pretty obsessed with the tortillas from Siete Foods. They are soft and flexible like flour tortillas, but are totally grain-free. Warm one up and top with organic scrambled eggs and half an avocado for a balanced breakfast taco that’ll keep you satisfied and energized.

  • Chips: I love the crunchy coconut flour chips from The Real Coconut.

  • Crackers: Try Jilz or Simple MIlls for a nutrient-dense and delicious anytime cracker.

Pregnancy is a unique journey for every woman, and a special opportunity for us to listen to our bodies on a whole new level. If my work with clients has showed me anything, it’s that cravings are good - they tell us exactly what our bodies need. The trick is listening to them, specifically the emotion behind the craving. If you can do that, you’ll see how much power you have to create a peaceful and healthy pregnancy and transition into motherhood. I’m always here to offer customized support for mamas at any stage, so don’t hesitate to reach out.

In the meantime, try my Sunflower Lemon Zest Mighty Bites recipe for a pregnancy super snack filled with nutrient-dense superfoods that will support your energy and baby’s development, and find more healthy recipes at www.danielakende.com.

Totum Women Daniela Kende
 
The Difference Between Happening FOR You & TO You
 
Sarah Gibbons

Meet Conscious Working Mama Founder, Sarah Gibbons. Sarah is a legacy builder. She believes that feeling fulfilled is a result of marrying inner purpose and outer expression. A high-achiever herself, Sarah helps ambitious, driven women experience their truth and express it authentically in order to create unique, dynamic, and fulfilling lives. Conscious Working Mama offers 1-1 coaching and workshops for mothers in business.

Sarah is one of Totum's expert contributors on motherhood. To read more from our experts, click here.


The other day I was caught up with getting ready for a school holiday, prepping for a trip, packing up my family, and all that goes into taking a break from my practice. I was buzzing around, tying up loose ends, when my middle son looked up and said, “Look mom, the trees are dancing. They’re trying to delight me.”

It stopped me in my tracks. I looked up, and sure enough, it was windy, and the trees were dancing.

It was the last part of his observation that really got me though: “They’re trying to delight me.”

What a beautiful, joyous way of seeing the wind in the trees, as though they are there just to delight you. This simple idea that things are happening for you.

Imagine if that was the way you perceived everything around you?

How much more joy would you be able to receive?

What if you were able to perceive even the challenges as “happening for you” rather than “happening to you”?

That is my challenge to you this week, Mamas: Can you awaken your consciousness during one moment of stress and become so present to this new idea that you’re able to shift your perspective away from “This thing [fill in the blank with whatever awful, joyful, or even mundane circumstance is before you] is happening to me” and toward “this thing is happening for me?”

Would you perceive mundane things like wind in the trees as happening just for you, to delight you? Would you perceive challenging things, like an argument with your partner or an email from your boss, as happening just for you, to grow you, to awaken you, or to connect you rather than to you as punishment?

What if you were able to perceive even the challenges as “happening for you” rather than “happening to you”?

How would the landscape of your day change if you were to practice this perspective shift? What if you went from practicing this once a day to five times a day, to eventually seeing everything around you at every moment as happening just for you, as a gift, as the perfect package delivered just to your heart for you to continuously renew your experience of life. What if you believe that everything is happening to you for your own growth and expansion?

Imagine the infinite possibilities.

I’m the first to admit that when something goes wrong, it can feel good to point fingers. But talk about a joy robber. Let’s leave the victim number behind and own this, ladies. If we want to experience a calmer version of ourselves, and one that’s able to make a greater impact and laugh a heck of a lot more, then this spiritual tip is how you’re going to do it.

Remember the distinction: life is happening for you vs. to you.

Onward powerful women,

Sarah

Read more from Sarah on her Conscious Working Mama blog.

Sarah Gibbons